The Failings of a Gamer – sucking at Super Time Force

I’ve done a few of these of late, where I tell you about how badly I suck at video games including Dragon’s Dogma and Dark Souls II. Ha ha, let’s all laugh at the noob, right? I’m fine admitting it, I’m not the best at every game, and even in games that I excel at there will be the occasional goof and gaff – it’s human nature. I’ll miss the occasional open goal in FIFA and I’ll accidentally blow myself in Battlefield, now and then. Still, Super Time Force was a really hard game, so I had the opportunity to wrack up quite a few fails.

The most notable fail of the game came in the final level. It was a tough level in itself, without the added troubles of me being dreadful at the game, on occasion. The first mission in the level requires you to climb through obstacles whilst lava raises below you. It’s much tougher than it sounds. After spending almost an hour trying to do it, and trying not to pull out my own hair or throw my controller out of the window, I decided to give up. A whole day passed whilst I plucked up the will to give it a second shot. I finally found it and, another hour or so later, I managed to beat the first level. One down, two to go.

The second level was just as difficult. It took all of my willpower to get through it. Still, I must admit that it was at least fun. Once I’d finally finished it, I had made my way to the boss fight. The game had been gearing up to it pretty much since the beginning, so I knew it wouldn’t be a walk in the park. Still, I’d managed to beat the two toughest levels, so I was slightly prepared for the battle ahead. The first attempt was pretty poor, I spent more time dying than I did shooting. But once I’d learned the patterns and mastered the best characters to use, it was pretty simple.

I’d almost got the boss to zero health. I’d ground down his health using the various characters, set up shooters in the corners of the level to provide cover fire and beat away at the boss and I’d managed to time the different events to near perfection. I had ten seconds remaining and the boss was on his last percentile of health, I had all but won. However, in the battle for supremacy there had been casualties. Twenty-nine, to be precise. I had one life remaining, and another death would lead to end-game and having to start the battle all over again. I fired one last rocket which soared into the face of the boss. It exploded on impact, I had won. In my celebrations, I started to jump around. I’d been building up to it for a while, so I felt I deserved a victory jig. Without realising, I jumped my character off of the platform to his imminent doom. But it’s ok, I’d already defeated him, right? Wrong! Apparently the game decided to freeze as he fell to his death. The boss remained in the middle of the screen, constantly exploding in a never ending mockery of my fail. I had to turn my console off and on again and, of course, not only complete the final boss once more, but the two difficult levels before it as well.

I don’t know what I did to deserve my punishment. Maybe it was because of all of the celebratory, gloatey jumping. Maybe it’s because my Xbox hates me. Either way, I was not a happy bunny. I of course attempted it again and, after another hour of trying and dying, I had finally got to the boss. I was of course careful not to jump off the edge the second time around. My victory was slightly hollow on the second attempt, but a victory nonetheless.

So there you have it, another fail in the diary of the failings of a gamer.